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Am I right or what?

Sometimes when I'm feeling down, I think of Osama Bin Laden being dead and it makes me happy.
(Updated: 03-14-14)

Don't inspire someone.
(Updated: 01-20-14)

A case for The Grinch.
(Updated: 01-10-14)

How to watch a movie in a theater.
(Updated: 12-03-13)

Airline fees I'd be happy to pay.
(Updated: 11-18-13)

I hate BuzzFeed.
(Updated: 10-21-13)

Pepperoni is for assholes and idiots.
(Updated: 08-26-13)

Really isn't a punchline.
(Updated: 08-19-13)

Sounds I hate.
(Updated: 08-16-13)

I'm horrible and "disguisting" (3 new pieces of hate mail).
(Updated: 08-08-13)

I liked it better when it was called Army of Darkness.
(Updated: 07-15-13)

A message from adults to kids.
(Updated: 07-08-13)

Things that sucked about E3: The wrap-up.
(Updated: 06-12-13)

The solution to sexism in video games.
(Updated: 06-06-13)

Don't be a Padhole.
(Updated: 04-15-13)

Maddox's Fan Fiction Emporium (April Fool's '13)
(Updated: 04-01-13)

The worst wedding veil I've ever worn.
(Updated: 04-09-13)

Confirmed: I'm banned from Apple Stores.
(Updated: 02-14-13)

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer illustrates the worst of humanity.
(Updated: 12-19-12)

Using suicide to guilt someone is cowardly.
(Updated: 12-10-12)

Marketing phrases that have lost their meaning.
(Updated: 11-05-12)

You're not a nerd, geeks aren't sexy and you don't "fucking love" science.
(Updated: 10-12-12)

Things that suck about New York.
(Updated: 09-27-12)

Awesome shit that happened in San Diego.
(Updated: 08-06-12)

Prometheus in a nutshell.
(Updated: 06-11-12)

A comedy master teaches me how to be funny (new hate mail).
(Updated: 06-01-12)

11 Sexy Girls with Star Wars tattoos you don't have the rights to publish.
(Updated: 05-17-12)

A second chance at life. (April Fool's '12)
(Updated: 04-01-12)

Anyone who doesn't like onions is an idiot.
(Updated: 03-16-12)

End discrimination against straight people.
(Updated: 02-29-12)

I hope SOPA passes.
(Updated: 01-30-12)

Math doesn't suck, you do.
(Updated: 01-03-12)

The most overrated sandwiches in America.
(Updated: 11-30-11)

I hate Sasha Grey.
(Updated: 11-21-11)

A message to cops.
(Updated: 10-16-11)

The vegetarian asshole test.
(Updated: 09-01-11)

Animals are people (that we can eat).
(Updated: 04-25-11)

Worth a thousand words: a photoblog (April Fool's '11).
(Updated: 04-01-11)

I stopped childhood obesity, cholera and arson this weekend. What did you do?
(Updated: 12-07-10)

Not everything is epic, shitheads.
(Updated: 11-16-10)

The Best Show in the Universe: Episode 03 - Tables won't say "no."
(Updated: 09-27-10)

The Best Show in the Universe: Episode 02 - Make the choice to suck less.
(Updated: 08-26-10)

The Best Show in the Universe: Episode 01 - YouTube Kids.
(Updated: 07-29-10)

Safety tips for kids! (April Fool's '10)
(Updated: 04-19-10)

I hope I get swine flu.
(Updated: 08-24-09)

Quantum of Solace is a shitpile.
(Updated: 12-25-08)

Nobody cares if your puns were intended.
(Updated: 05-31-08)

Vague Genre Movie (April Fool's '08)
(Updated: 04-01-08)

Fashion tips for women from a guy who knows dick about fashion.
(Updated: 10-29-07)

The iPhone is a piece of shit, and so is your face.
(Updated: 07-16-07)

9 things I learned about the world from anonymous stock photo models.
(Updated: 04-30-07)

Unfastened Coins: Titanic Conspiracy (April Fool's '07)
(Updated: 04-01-07)

One thing PC users can do that Mac users can't...
(Updated: 03-05-07)

I'm tired of Sony's bullshit.
(Updated: 11-13-06)

There is no 9/11 conspiracy you morons.
(Updated: 07-27-06)

I am a genius, you are not.
(Updated: 05-06-06)

How to spot a pedophile.
(Updated: 02-10-06)

Idaho blows.
(Updated: 11-08-05)

I just wanted a video game, not eternal damnation in hell.
(Updated: 07-21-05)

If these words were people, I would embrace their genocide.
(Updated: 07-06-05)

Star Wars Episode III: a steaming pile of Sith.
(Updated: 05-31-05)

I hate Cameron Diaz.
(Updated: 05-17-05)

Unintentionally sexual comic book covers.
(Updated: 04-11-05)

The most expensive $94 Orbitz will ever make.
(Updated: 03-09-05)

If you're too much of an impressionable idiot to watch "Sideways," then don't.
(Updated: 02-17-05)

The eleven worst songs of 2004.
(Updated: 12-29-04)

Ben Stiller should star in every movie.
(Updated: 12-21-04)

How to kill yourself like a man.
(Updated: 10-27-04)

If you work for Websense, you aren't reading this.
(Updated: 09-13-04)

"I, Robot" in a nutshell.
(Updated: 07-27-04)

Video games you'll never play.
(Updated: 07-13-04)

Intellectual property theft? Don't worry, Detective Dipshit is on the job (new hate mail).
(Updated: 07-07-04)

Five shitty movies that everyone loves.
(Updated: 06-16-04)

A few suggestions to help make CompUSA a better store.
(Updated: 05-31-04)

You're not Dave Chappelle, and you're not funny.
(Updated: 05-11-04)

Looking for a safe stance on abortion? Me neither.
(Updated: 04-26-04)

How do you dumbasses manage to breathe?
(Updated: 04-05-04)

One of the Better Pages in the Universe
(Updated: 04-01-04)

Cancel the 2005 Academy Awards, the contest is over.
(Updated: 03-23-04)

Astrology is bullshit. Astrology is bullshit. Astrology is bullshit.
(Updated: 03-10-04)

Attention women: until your farts start smelling like cinnamon buns, quit bitching.
(Updated: 02-24-04)

Bill O'Reilly is a big blubbering vagina.
(Updated: 02-07-04)

Garfield sucks.
(Updated: 01-26-04)

Racism and scat, a powerful union (new hate mail).
(Updated: 01-04-04)

Phrases that make my blood boil.
(Updated: 12-22-03)

A tribute to real men.
(Updated: 12-08-03)

Oops! You're racist.
(Updated: 11-18-03)

The Matrix: Revolutions is boring and shitty.
(Updated: 11-10-03)

LOOKS LIKE I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE WITH A BROKEN CAPSLOCK KEY (2 new pieces of hate mail).
(Updated: 11-03-03)

Finally: the reason I'm such an asshole revealed (new hate mail).
(Updated: 10-19-03)

How to render the Segway obsolete.
(Updated: 10-16-03)

McDonald's new ad campaign is an anagram for "ailing vomit."
(Updated: 10-06-03)

Going to Thailand? Don't forget your jackass discount card.
(Updated: 09-30-03)

Ikaruga: a modest review by a modest man.
(Updated: 09-08-03)

Things Elizabeth Smart could have done to escape her captors.
(Updated: 09-01-03)

Not sure if you're an idiot? Play it safe and don't send me email (new fan mail).
(Updated: 08-25-03)

How is it possible that a guy with a small penis and a hairy back is more powerful than Pepsi on the Internet?
(Updated: 08-18-03)

We know you're a cranky bitch, you don't need the bumper sticker.
(Updated: 08-05-03)

Proof that wealth can't buy class: the top four ugliest cars on the road.
(Updated: 07-21-03)

Take your X-TREME marketing and shove it.
(Updated: 07-07-03)

A shampoo recommendation for cry-baby pussies (new hate mail).
(Updated: 06-30-03)

Christopher Reeve is an asshole.
(Updated: 06-24-03)

My balls are huge.
(Updated: 06-16-03)

Four things that could have improved The Matrix: Reloaded.
(Updated: 05-23-03)

Would you like to bomb Iran?
(Updated: 05-05-03)

It's a dumbass marathon (new hate mail).
(Updated: 04-20-03)

Twenty-six things a perfect guy would do, and other propaganda disseminated by misguided women.
(Updated: 04-03-03)

Wireless internet may very well destroy our chances of contacting intelligent life.
(Updated: 04-11-03)

Who would make a better president: Bush or a box of Tic-Tacs? An objective analysis.
(Updated: 03-16-03)

How to become an obnoxious internet cam whore in five easy steps.
(Updated: 03-03-03)

I wonder if Jenny Jones can come up with a topic that rhymes with "canceled."
(Updated: 02-27-03)

Two characters that were missing from the new Daredevil movie.
(Updated: 02-18-03)

How to win the war and make big savings.
(Updated: 02-15-03)

Why change your car's oil when your girlfriend can do it?
(Updated: 02-09-03)

Greeting cards you wish you could buy.
(Updated: 02-01-03)

Bush: making political satirists obsolete since 2000.
(Updated: 01-28-03)

How to piss off credit card companies and get away with it.
(Updated: 01-17-03)

Hollywood: still out of ideas? How about another black-guy-meets-white-guy comedy?
(Updated: 01-13-03)


Read these classics or go to hell.

More crappy children's art work.
(Updated: 10-04-02)

I am better than your kids.
(Updated: 06-17-02)

Love your kids? Prove it by beating them.
(Updated: 09-02-02)

The movie "Signs" in four easy steps.
(Updated: 08-11-02)

Five things that sucked about Lord of the Rings.
(Updated: 01-13-02)



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Books:

HOLY SHIT! The Alphabet of Manliness!
Crappy Childrens Artwork!

The Best Store in the Universe
My book also available on Barnes & Noble. Believe it.
The saddest caveman in the world.
Cyanide & Happiness comics
Bored? Learn Chinese. I did.
i-Mockery
Hopeless is the new Fabulous: a blog by Lisa Ullmann
The Official Ninja Webpage: REAL Ultimate Power
Dick Masterson
Driven By Boredom

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