People Hate Me!

The following is hate mail that I've received from people who think I'm an asshole. All hate mail is unedited and presented in its entirety, unless noted otherwise. Go here to read my first hate mail that later spawned a page about Helen Hunt out of spite.

Hate mail:

More hate mail.

Date: Wed, 7 Jul 2004 03:21:52 EDT
From: "Ty Shane"
Subject: congrats asshole

i read the phrases that piss you off and it sounds alot like a george
carlin routine that i heard about a week ago. i'm a fan of you'r site
but get your on material next time.

Hey, thanks for the advice Ty. You see, after writing 300 or so pages of original material, every now and then I like to steal a few bits from someone famous like George Carlin just to see if I can sneak it in under the radar despite the fact that it would be impossible to get away with since millions of people have seen his performance.

What I didn't count on was that an astute reader such as yourself would read my article and find a vague likeness to Carlin's stand-up routine.

With skills like that, why are you writing barely intelligible letters to strangers when you could be doing detective work instead? You could go around to popular websites and find obvious similarities between satirical writers and famous entertainers.

I can see it now: "Detective Dipshit: Private Dick for hire." Keep up the great work, dumbass.

Date: Thu, 18 Dec 2003 02:00:01 -0800
From: Rian Alden <>

    Your a fuckin idiot. If you hate how Americans are pissed about
Illegal Mexicans or any others taking our jobs, then why don't you take
your loud mouthed, appeasing ass down to Mexico and fight the good fight
with those Wetbacks? Oh, I'm sorry, That was Racist, but I guess I am,
so all those Spics, Gooks, Nips, Russians, Sand-Niggers, and any other
fuckin foreigners come here and decide to take our job for less money
even though they don't belong here, they can kiss my ass and lick my
balls. And just for you, I will leave a spot right in the middle and
forget to wipe ya dumb fuck.

It's time to deduce the obvious conclusion with Professor Maddox:

QED, bitch.

I don't understand how anyone can disagree with my position on illegal immigrants. Do I have to spoon feed the conclusion to you retards? It's obvious that if you force companies like WalMart to pay illegal immigrants the same wage as Americans, then they have no incentive to hire them over citizens. Even you racist pieces of shit can agree.

Date: Fri, 31 Oct 2003 11:20:28 -0500
From: <>
Subject: response requested


Seven sixteenths of one inch:

That's the distance you'd have to move your pinky in order to not sound like an idiot. I know the burden of pressing shift to capitalize is a great one, but c'mon Turing, you can do better than that. I used to type emails in caps like yours, but then I decided that I didn't want a job mixing concrete.

You said you had a question for me, something about a 200 pound girl (implying that I pork fat chicks, a cunning strategy by an equally cunning linguist), but the damndest thing: I searched your entire email for a question mark and didn't find any. Could it be because you didn't really ask me any questions since none of your sentences ended with a question mark, you dolt?

You used to enjoy "kicking the shit out of computer science fags" eh? So are you saying that all programmers are gay, or that you enjoyed "kicking the shit out of" the gay ones? I presume the former since you are after all, an idiot. You do have a point though: writing code all day is much more homoerotic than patting your jock buddies on the ass after a sweaty game of catch, then winding down with a nice, steamy, group shower. Maybe if you weren't such a sexually insecure dumbass, you'd have spent the time you pissed away playing highschool sports--you know, that thing nobody in the real world cares about--learning how to read instead so that you don't end up bagging my groceries after you graduate with your 1.2 GPA (rounded off nicely with that C you got in wood shop).

You know what the best thing about knowing that the nerds you picked on will always be more successful, have hotter girlfriends, a home that doesn't have wheels, and a stock portfolio with numbers larger than you can count is? Doesn't matter, get me a coffee.

Date: Sun, 2 Nov 2003 21:50:03 EST
Subject: about Elizabeth

I think that is the most ridiculous and in-sensitive thing that I have
ever read. You have no idea exactly what that girl went through, nor do
you know what you would do in an extreme situation like that. You should
be ashamed of yourself for writing such idiotic things. That girl did not
ask to be kidnapped just as no other child or adult asks to be kidnapped
or murdered or raped. So why don't you shut up and respect what these
people have gone through?


Date: Wed, 17 Sep 2003 17:12:28 -0700
From: Janine L. <######>
Subject: Lonely Bitter Man

Hmm, after reading your articles about classifying nerds. I guess you fit
into one of those categories. Hmm, shall I say the lonely, bitter one
that sits at home all day and sulks about how much his life sucks?

Oh, and pretty sad that you go and diss little kids pictures. I guess
your parents didn't beat you enough when you were a kid cause you sure
didn't turn out fine.

I decided to do something different with this hate mail, something that would give all the people I've offended some insight into why I'm such a dick sometimes, so I replied with this:

Date: Tue, 14 Oct 2003 01:58:05 -0600 (MDT)
From: maddox <>
To: Janine L. <######>
Subject: Re: Lonely Bitter Man

I was abused as a child and the way I cope is by expressing myself
through my writing. Please be more understanding :(

The response I got was:

Date: Thu, 16 Oct 2003 16:50:33 -0700
From: Janine L. <######>
Subject: Re: Lonely Bitter Man

I'm sorry to hear about that maddox. I agree that writing helps express
anger, but I don't think you should go and take it out on other people, more
over encourage other people to abuse their kids. Your writing is funny and
all, but I didn't expect that the issues you write about is personal. Sorry
to hear about it. Anyways, this is just personal opinion. Take care.

To which I replied:

Date: Thu, 16 Oct 2003 22:36:32 -0600 (MDT)
From: maddox <>
To: Janine L. <######>
Subject: Re: Lonely Bitter Man

Just kidding. Tool.

Receiving thousands of emails from slow-witted boorish morons can be amusing sometimes.

Date: Thu, 26 Jun 2003 16:57:39 -0700 (PDT)
From: Steven Grzesik <>
Subject: You're funny...but you're an asshole

Pothead pukeboy run out of material or are you just having an episode of
substance induced stupidity? See...writing is easy, you asshole.
It was all cool till you picked on a paraplegic that has nothing left in
his miserable existence but desperate clinging to a fantasy that he can
help others. All this while he simultaneously fantasizes that his wife is
still faithful...yeah right.
Maybe he actually can help.
You are not funny here.
The real you shows.

Oh poor guy, booo hooo hooo! He has nothing left in his miserable existence. Except for the millions of dollars he'll command in sales and donations from the two book deals he got since his accident, the publicity from going on hundreds of tours and public talks, and a jump start to his dead career with possibly more opportunities rolling in after his accident than before (let's face it, when is the last time you saw a Reeve film that didn't involve him wearing spandex?). On top of that, he gets blind praise from millions for an accident that occurred to him while he was riding his trained thoroughbred horse, after having lived the better part of his life as a handsome millionaire, who has been sought after by millions of women and probably a good chunk of men. Not to mention the best medical treatment in the world in addition to the financial resources to continue the best physical therapy after the accident, a luxury not available to most other paralysis victims. The fact that you think he has nothing to look forward to just because he's a cripple is not only insulting to him, but all people with paralysis, which is infinitely worse than the assertion I've made. Nice job, you insensitive cock.

You're right though, other than a Grammy award for his audio recording of his best selling book, 5 emmy nominations for his directorial debut, Golden Globe Award nomination, and Screen Actors Guild Award for "Best Actor," he hasn't had anything to look forward to since his accident, right dipshit? I'm sure all of the awards were given to him for his talent too, despite the fact that he had the same talent before the accident and starred in 19 movies since the last Superman movie in 1987 without winning so much as a Golden Raspberry award (unless you count the "Young Artist Award" he received in 1996; with recognition like that, people must have been beating his door down to get him to star in their movies).

Hey "Sea Otter Steve," I have some advice for you: try being less of a cry-baby pussy from now on; it makes you sound like a bitch. Also, lose the "Sea Otter" part of your name, it sounds stupid. So does your last name now that I think about it. Here's an idea: try throwing in a few vowels in there, Mr. "I'm Sea Otter Steve, too good for vowels." Also, since you like to piss and moan so much, I have a shampoo recommendation for you:

Give it a shot, it might help you stop being such an enormous cry-baby suck-ass pussy. The scary thing is, I know that in the back of your mind a small part of you hoped that this email would make me "see the light" and cause me to take my page down. Way to fuel the fire.


Date: Wed, 7 May 2003 10:12:47 -0600
From: TH <######> (
Subject: new section

Hey Loser,

I know you probably get a lot of hate mail which made me hesitate to
write you. But I have to for my own satisfaction. You are incredibly
ignorant and petty. It is obvious that you have absolutely no life
whatsoever and take incredible joy in ripping on people that you envy,
such as me. You see, I have a good, well-paying job and I am only 21. I
graduated from CU last spring at the age of 20 with a BA in business and
currently work for a successful entrepreneur in Boulder, CO while
interning for a member of the Colorado State Board of Education in
Denver. I have accomplished more in my young life than you ever will. I
dare you to post this email. I dare you to even attempt to insult or
degrade me. What could you possibly say in response to what I have
said? I have met people like you in person. People who bitch and moan
about everything just because our world allows them the right and ability
to do so in a controlled environment such as the internet. I wonder what
you would say to someone like me if we met on the streets. You are a


P.S. You should do a section on how stupid people can make websites
insulting the world from their home while regularly taking breaks to
masturbate to internet porn. Or about dumb fucking webmasters you think
they’re super internet pimps because they can hide behind their
computer and never actually take responsibility for their actions.

I like to consider myself a reasonable man. For example, when someone sends me hate mail from their work account, I reply and explain to them why it's a bad idea for them to continue to harass me.

Case in point: I received this email from some guy (who I will refer to as Chump Change going forward) yesterday. I warned Chump Change that it was a terrible idea to send me hate mail from his work account, because I'm sure his employer wouldn't want to convey the image that his company employs dipshits. Chump Change disregarded my warnings and continued to email me, so I've posted his address (update: address has since been removed). I sure hope his employer doesn't find out, because it would be a damn shame if Chump Change got fired for screwing around on the job.

Now as for his email: Chump Change claims that I enjoy "ripping on people" who I "envy"? I replied to this email and found out that he makes $6,000 less than I did at the age of 21, and I don't even have a degree. What exactly am I envying here? Your Bachelor of Arts degree in Business? Wow, impressive; way to challenge yourself Chump Change. I did a bit of research and found out some of the classes that are required for graduation in "Business" at Colorado University:

  • Business Computing Skills
  • Profiles in American Enterprise
  • Introductory Finance
  • Business Statistics
  • I'm sure it was quite an accomplishment to pass "Business Computing Skills," no really, it must have been very demanding having to learn how to use Microsoft Office, right up there with other lofty challenges like learning how to zip your fly without getting your dick caught. Tell you what, I'll teach you this course free of charge. In fact, I can teach you the entire course by using only two keystrokes; be sure to take notes! Ready? Here it is: F1 (press it to bring up the help menu). Damn Chump Change, you should have asked me first, I could have saved you thousands of dollars teaching you how to use programs that require little more than bashing your head on the keyboard to operate, dumbass.

    Then you have "Business Statistics," or as I call it, a "math for morons" course. The lowest common denominator of math class is a "business" math class, where you learn a shit-load of nothing. I'm sure you'll have no trouble landing an exciting job in Real Estate Appraisal with those credentials. Your dad, who I'm sure probably paid for your lazy unmotivated dumbass to get through college, must be proud. Stand tall Chump Change, you've managed to do what only a few hundred million other people are able to do every year:

    Congratulations! You're mediocre.

    I don't get it; how can you jackasses call me a "coward" by posting on my website? Did you not notice the picture of me on the main page? What exactly am I hiding from? I get recognized in public all the time, don't you think that if I was afraid that I wouldn't post my badass pirate picture on the internet for millions to see? Then you claim I have no life? News flash: I only update about once a week. I work a full time job and go to school (I'm near completion of a major that requires more than a pulse to graduate from), and I update this site IN MY SPARE TIME. When is the last time a few million people gave a shit about anything you wrote in your spare time, other than having your email posted on my site (which I'm sure will be the highlight of your boring life)?

    In a desperate attempt to sound smart, Chump Change wrote this in another email:

    "I think you are a puppet of our pop-culture views of wit and talent."

    Oh really? First of all, you make the assumption that anyone other than you shares your opinion of what "wit" and "talent" are. Ignoring the fact that this assumption was pulled out of your ass, you think that I'm a "puppet" of "views"? How exactly can one be a "puppet of views," dipshit? It doesn't even make sense you dolt.

    In closing, Chump Change has made a special request. He would like to know the answer to the following question:

    "Why would I get hate mail if you posted MY hate mail on YOUR site?! Dumbass"

    Update: Chump Change broke down a record 20 minutes after this email was posted (after he received a flood of hate mail), and asked that his email address be removed. I'm a reasonable man, so his name and email address have been removed, with this final note:

    "Maddox, I am sincerely apologetic... Please please take it down. If you any shred of decency please. This is all wrong. Please take it off."

    Date: Sun, 20 Apr 2003 02:06:25 EDT
    From: SummerGrlJess19
    Subject: ur just jealous!!!

    To who it may concern:

                    Okay I read your article about the 26 things the perfect guy
    should do. And you r so mad and angry! Im sure youve played with a girls
    hair before. Or held their hand. All in a depserate attempt to get
    invited into their bedrooms but youre once again let down and sent home
    by yourself. So why get mad when it works for other people? Youll never
    find a girl because you pubicly talk about promoting domestic violence
    and abuse. My boyfriend read the 26 things, and now he does them and I
    love him now. We will be together forever thanks to that email. And Im
    sorry that youll never be blessed with the gift of love. Youre a
    homofobic mysogynist....good luck finding someone.


    What makes you so sure I've played with a girl's hair before, "SummerGrl19?" Very clever handle by the way, the only way you could make it any more unoriginal or cliche would be to add the words "happy, cute" or "princess" to the name. Why are women so hung up about their hair? It's not interesting enough to talk about, let alone to play with. Really, nobody gives a shit about your hair. We don't care about the kind of dye you use, the momentous decision of wearing it "up" or "down," and frankly, there isn't anyone in the world important enough to be able to talk about the type of conditioner they use without inducing a mighty yawn from me.

    What makes you think I'd play with a girl's hair or hold her hand to get invited to her bedroom? Even if I was a whore, like every guy you've dated apparently, it wouldn't be worth it. If not having to play flirty grab-ass games with a girl means not getting laid, I consider it a bargain.

    As for your boyfriend, what kind of dumbass takes chain mail seriously? What if someone sent your genius boyfriend a list titled "26 ways to clothes-line your girlfriend"? What kind of gullible idiot takes that shit seriously? People like him are the reason cults exist. Congratulations for your new-found love, I can only imagine the deep bond two people share as a result of junk mail.

    One last thing: you claim that I'll always be alone because I promote domestic violence? I guess you forgot that the list suggests that guys should "act cutely" when women hit them and it hurts; that's domestic abuse by definition, not that it matters because you're too much of a putz to understand anything anyway. Enjoy making other life-altering decisions in your otherwise empty life based off of stupid email you receive.

    More to come...

    More bullshit hatemail...

    Here's the disclaimer if you want to send me hate mail (Note: I decide what's hate mail and what's not):


    By sending me hate mail, you acknowledge that I own all rights to the entire contents of your message, any images sent with the message, your email address, your house, your car, your first born and your soul. Furthermore, you agree to make your email address publicly available on this or any other web site, and you accept my views and opinions as being right regardless of anything. Furthermore, you agree that it is okay for me or anyone else to slander and/or libel you on this or any other web site, in public, at your place of employment, or anywhere else in this or any other universe and/or dimension. Know that sending me hate mail is a request for character defamation, endless belittling and excessive mockery. You may not sue me for any reason, ever, and this disclaimer is subject to change without notice, and you are still subject to the rules regardless of any changes made. If you do not agree with these rules, then don't send me hate mail.

    Oh, and by the way:

    That's how it is.

    go away.

    6551 cowards have sent me hate mail.

    Back to how much I rule...