The logic of hating cyclists

Back when I first started riding bikes when I was 1 or 2 years old, I didn't realize how many crybaby car-blowhards were on the road. A car blowhard is someone who feels entitled to driving everywhere, complains about traffic while contributing to traffic and honks at cyclists when he or she stops texting long enough to notice one. This video summarizes people's irrational hatred of cyclists:

These crybaby idiots are incorrigible. And before you pigeon-hole me as some kind of granola bicycling activist, here's an important fact for you to consider: I don't give a shit about the environment. I don't ride my bike because I have delusions about saving the Earth. I'm not doing it to reduce my carbon footprint or to reduce our dependence on foreign oil or any of the other stupid hippy reasons people usually cite to guilt people into riding bikes.

I ride my bike because I'm a badass. It's badass to get where you're going entirely with the power of raw leg muscle. You have to think quick and pay attention to avoid death in traffic while cycling—the exact opposite of what most drivers do these days, as they're too addicted to checking their phones for the dopamine hit of another few "likes" on social networks. Biking is about efficiency. What kind of badass is a badass who wastes his time? No kind of badass. That's why I'm as efficient as possible when it comes to transportation. If you live in a mid-to-large sized city and the distance you're traveling is under 2 miles (3.2 km), there's no faster way to travel in heavy traffic than on a bike.

If you factor in the time it takes to find a parking spot, bikes blow cars out of the water. In fact, in a recent race between a bike, car and public transportation, the bicycle beat everyone in a long-haul ride through both New York1 and Los Angeles2. Doubters can eat shit:

Bikes are faster. Eat shit.Bikes are faster in larger cities like New York and Los Angeles. Eat shit.

If you think cars are so much faster than bikes, next time you drive past a cyclist, keep an eye on him or her and see how quickly that cyclist catches up and passes you at the next light. Every time you stop behind a long row of cars at a red light, that's time the cyclist spends getting to the front of the line, so while you're sucking shit in your wimp-wagon, the cyclist is busy getting ahead in life.

Plus it makes your legs buff as shit. I can crack a child's head with my legs, guaranteed. Two kids? No problem. Hell, make 'em twins. Dead.

The worst thing about cars is air conditioning. Nothing makes me feel more emasculated while driving than air conditioning. If you need your air conditioned to be comfortable enough to drive, go buy a pot and plant yourself in it, because you're a flower. If you're too dainty to live without having your pampered atmosphere, you are too fragile for our genus and might as well be a plant. You don't live in the desert, so turn off the air conditioning and quit being such a pussy.

And as for cyclists, I'm tired of bike activists who are always trying to make a point by taking up a full lane of traffic. Cyclists can safely pull to the side to let cars pass most of the time, so the ones who don't are crybaby idiots too. Basically my problem is with crybabies. There are plenty on both sides, and the solution is for everyone to be more like me. I'm the best. I want to bang me because I'm the hottest person I know, especially my legs.


  1. - Cycling still offers quickest way to commute in New York
  2. KPCC - Bikes beat cars and public transportation in Los Angeles

287,770 people read this article in traffic while a cyclist got where they were going faster.

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