While everyone else is out having a great time this Valentine's day, I'll be sitting home in the dark again. Why? Because I can't stand to see all those people hugging, kissing and giving each other stupid heart-shaped balloons. Makes me want to shit. In fact, Valentine's day gives me diarrhea.

What's so romantic about Valentine's day? Or should I call it Hallmark day? It's just another excuse to go out and buy a pile of shit for someone you supposedly care about. I once saw a show where a guy bought his girlfriend a dozen roses and some chocolates, and then she said "oh Charles.. how romantic" and they started making out. I hate Charles. If he bought me a dozen roses and some chocolates, I'd kick his ass (but I'd eat the chocolates).

I don't hate Valentine's day just because I don't have a date (but it doesn't help). Possibly the worst thing about Valentine's day are those damned cupids. I see them everywhere. Little bastards. They annoy the hell out of me. Sometimes I can't sleep at night because stay up thinking about how much I hate Cupids. Then I realize that it's not cupids that I hate so much, but really mimes. This leads me to the question: if a mime fell in a forest, would it make a sound? If I ever see a mime in a forest, I'm going to trip it to find out.

211,910 people hope I choke to death every night.

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