Every once in a while someone invents something so simple and elegant that
it makes you say "damn, why didn't I think of that?" Then there are the
other inventions, the ones that make you say "man, I know exactly why I
didn't think of that: that's the dumbest thing I've ever seen." Introducing
Segway, transporter of humans. Of all the places you'll inevitably
be transported to, the first place will be the bank because the Segway
will cost you one healthy kidney, $4,500, and a pint of virgin blood.
The reason for this cost: superfluous bullshit like high-voltage field-effect
transistors or FETs. What the hell does a FET do? Nobody knows, but I
guarantee some nerd spent months writing a graduate thesis on why it's
important (and failing). The Segway is packed full of useless, but
important-sounding extras like "angular-rate sensors" (or "gyroscopes"
to anyone with something better to do than to look up obfuscated $6 words to
describe a spinning wheel), and two digital signal processor controller boards
with enough processing power to give even the beefiest desktop PC penis envy.
The controller boards monitor the system 100 times per second for conditions
that require a response, adjusting the motors up to 20,000 times per second
(give or take 19,000), making calculations based on information from
five solid-state gyroscopes. You'd think all of this technology would
be able to do something useful like cure cancer or make an episode of
"Will and Grace" funny, but alas, all it does is balance a pole.
Much like the introduction to an IMAX film, the Segway engineers boast of
the inherent inefficiencies of their "innovation": redundant
sensors, microprocessors, and controller boards that cost a fortune, and
all for what? A balancing act? Well I came up with an innovation of my own
that will help balance a Segway without years of research and millions of
dollars invested in obscure technology. The secret?
A third wheel. Yes, that's right, what many people don't
realize is that you can be just as space efficient and stable with a third
wheel. Hell, it doesn't even need to be turned on to balance itself.
Amazing! In fact, the only thing this revolutionary new model requires from
the old Segway are the motors, gear box, wheels and batteries. Throw the
rest of that shit away.
What's the point of all this technology if it costs a fortune? Here's a
bonus: add shock absorbers to the front wheel to compensate for tilt.
Man someone should hire me full time just to ruin other peoples' inventions.
© 2003 by Maddox