Gambling tips for winners

Nothing makes you feel like a winner like gambling. Every time I feel down (and there aren't any kids to yell at), gambling cheers me up. Here are some tips to keep in mind on your way to becoming a high roller (or one of those depressing gimps who pisses away their life fortune playing shitty slot machines)

  • Roulette is the best game, and even then it sucks.

    The best game to play is roulette because the ratio of blue-haired women with lunch-lady arms to semi-boner inducing (but still nasty) chain smoker chicks is lower. Winning in roulette is easy, just remember the following simple rule:

    Always bet 17.

    The biggest mistake a new comer can make is betting on a number other than 17. This one time a guy came up to a table I was playing at and placed a bet on 3, and everyone started laughing at him and then this trucker took him out back and raped him in the alley. I almost felt sorry for the guy, but it served him right for not knowing the rules.

    When playing roulette, each player is given a different color of chip so bets aren't confused with other players. If you get the pink or red colored chips, you're a loser automatically. The best color for chips is green. If you can't play green, then forget about it because you're just going to get pissed off.

  • Craps: too confusing, play something else.

    Craps is bullshit. Nobody really knows how to play, and asking people standing around the table doesn't help because they're too busy trying not to look dumb because they don't know what the hell is going on either. It's too much of a pain in the ass, just forget about it.

  • Slot Machines: boring.

    There are only two possible outcomes every time you pull the handle:

    1. You win. In the unlikely event that you win, you'll soon realize that even if you "hit it big," that you won't enjoy any of the money you get because your jackass friends will keep hitting you up for cash, and even if they don't, there's nothing worth buying anyway.

    2. You lose: your life in a nut shell.

    That's it. There's nothing more to slot machines. As soon as you win and lose, you will have experienced every possibility that this game has to offer (except for the occasional malfunction, in which case you have to wait around for one of the hardass floor managers to grace you with their presence).

  • Black Jack is for pussies.

    Oooh, try to get 21, big deal. Black Jack is a guaranteed way to make money if you put time into the game. The only problem is, after two hours of playing, you're usually only up $20. What most people don't realize is that they could have earned more per hour working than the time they blew playing black jack for $20.

    People gamble, despite the fact that it's boring and pointless.

    Back to how much I rule...