Recently I had a chance to interview Brendan Fraser, star of such movie
disasters as "The Mummy," and "Encino Man." Here's how the interview went:
Ruler of the Universe: First of all, I'd
like to thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule of-
Brendan Fraser: Making bad movies?
Ruler of the Universe:
Actually, I was going to say "annoying people," but that too.
Brendan Fraser: Oh yeah, I do that sometimes.
It's probably because I'm such a piss-poor actor.
Ruler of the Universe: Brendan, some critics
have labeled you a "dumbass," what do you have to say to that?
Brendan Fraser: There are no grounds for
this accusation. I maintain that I'm not a dumbass-
Ruler of the Universe: Then how do you
explain Encino Man?
Brendan Fraser: Oh yeah, I guess I am a
dumbass. Good point.
Ruler of the Universe: This picture pretty
much covers it.
Brendan Fraser: Oh yeah! I remember that
picture. It was made at a career fair, when applicants were tested for jobs
and assigned occupations that would best fit their skills (or lack thereof
in my case).
Ruler of the Universe: Anyway, about
Encino Man, what the hell were you thinking? Why did you ever
decide to work with a bitch like Pauly Shore?
Brendan Fraser: Well, I hate to admit it,
but the truth is that Pauly Shore is my brother, and since we're both such
shitty actors, we decided to give the audience a mega dose of super suck by
being in a movie together.
Ruler of the Universe: I hate you.
Brendan Fraser: Haha-
Ruler of the Universe: No, I'm not kidding.
Brendan Fraser: Oh.
Ruler of the Universe: Anyway, now for
The Mummy. I'll ask the same question: "what the hell were you
thinking?"
Brendan Fraser: What do you mean? The
Mummy was a good movie! It had mummies, wasps, ethnic stereotypes-
Ruler of the Universe: But it had you.
Brendan Fraser: Oh yeah, I guess I kind of
did ruin that movie too. In fact, I think I ruin every movie I'm in.
Ruler of the Universe: Damn right.
Brendan Fraser: I wonder what I can do to
make up for being so shitty...
Ruler of the Universe: For starters, how
about refunding my $6.50 for The Mummy, bitch?
Brendan Fraser: Sorry, I'm broke. I spent
all my money paying off producers so they'd put me in their next film.
Ruler of the Universe: Well, I'm tired of
talking to you.
Brendan Fraser: It's been a pleasure, maybe
we can do this again some time?
Ruler of the Universe: Maybe not.
31,528 suckers paid to see a Brendan Fraser movie.